Children + Grocery store = Mom meltdown

I know, I know, this is hardly news to mothers all over the globe.  And I absolutely have it easier than some… especially this lady.  Go ahead, read it.  It’s long, but you’ll laugh your ass off!!  I did; the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd time I read it.  In fact, I’m going to read it again.  Yeah, it’s that funny.

We only have two children, so frankly I have no cause for complaint, but I’m gonna, complain that is.  Wait, this is completely unrelated, however I must share this revelation, I think that our personal level of tolerance helps determine how many children we ultimately have (well, that and the use of birth control).  I basically have a low tolerance level, so having only two children is to me what having 6 children is to that lady.  I think.  Whatever, that didn’t really come out right and is totally off topic, so lets get back to me complaining about the children & me at the grocery store.

So, yesterday I picked my 7 yr old up from school & we went back to my office in order for me to finish up a couple things.  After that, we picked up the 2 yr old from day care (yeah, I know, I’m a terrible mother, my children go to day care) and then we went to THE GROCERY STORE.  It seems to me that the children save up all the worst behavior until the second the shopping cart crosses the threshold of the door to the grocery store.  At which point they immediately begin to let loose all that bad behavior, slowly, like air leaking out of a balloon.  That way it has the most dramatic and long-lasting effect on MOM and every other patron. 

Now, in our grocery store there is a Starbucks directly next to the entrance.  Not sure if there are Starbucks in your grocery stores but we have multiple Starbucks in our town & that includes the grocery stores.  See this for more details on our record number of Starbucks.  Inevitably, the girls start out with, “mommy, can I please get something from Starbucks? please, mommy, please?!”  And yes, even the 2 yr old can say Starbucks.  It’s a testament to the fact that I am personally addicted to their damn coffee, teas, and fraps.  Anyway, once we got past the Sbux stand we headed to the bakery area for sandwich bread, bagels, and french bread to have with dinner.  Of course the girls began to beg for cookies.  The bakery gives cookies to the children for free, so that they can be extra amped on sugar.  Unfortunately for me, the 2 yr old doesn’t like chocolate chip cookies (don’t ask me why, I could live on them!).  Invariably she will take a bite out of it anyway, then say, “I no like it” and hand me the cookie.  Like the mother in the ebay story, I have actually caught food ~ in my bare hand ~ that the children spit out!  

So, on this particular day I was stuck carrying a chocolate chip cookie around the store.  For some reason I just don’t feel comfortable throwing away a whole cookie & I am on a diet (STILL), therefore I couldn’t eat it.  By the time we were half way through the store the chocolate chips had begun to melt all over my fingers.  Before you ask, NO I didn’t have any napkins to wrap up the cookie or to wipe my fingers, so I ended up using my grocery list to wipe my fingers!  Finally, I just gave the cookie to the 7yr old.  She was thrilled about that.  I, however, was not because she had already had 1 cookie plus a snack earlier (ooopps, forgot to mention that we had gone to Sbux after school & gotten a drink and snack).  At this point she’s had plenty of junk food.  Oh well, just chalk it up to me being a really bad mother.

You know what?  This is getting way too long.  I’m going to skip all the boring details and get right to the point….  The 7yr old was climbing on the shopping cart like she was a monkey.  Despite my repeated requests for her to get off the cart before she tipped the whole thing over.  Meanwhile, the 2 yr old was attempting to kick the 7yr old, in return the 7yr old was hitting the 2yr olds feet & whining, “mommy, she’s kicking me!”, the 2 yr old responded with, “mommy, she’s hitting my feet”.  I begged them both to stop for the 1,000th time and promised that we were almost done.  This was all happening in between pleas for this candy or that cereal or that toy (I bet you’ve seen those cheap toys that are hanging in the cereal isle ~I didn’t realize we were at a toy store ~ but then, again, it’s a plot by the grocery store people to torture us.  Without a doubt, the children will beg for the dumb toy and we’ll have to say “NO”, which will lead to yet another round of whining.)  It was here, at this moment in time, when I began to suspect that if we didn’t get out of the store in the next 90 seconds, I was going to LOOSE it.   

I figured it out.  What really makes the whole shopping trip so difficult is not that our children are out of control (although that is highly annoying); it’s that other people are watching them and JUDGING us based on how we handle the situation.  Honestly, if nobody were paying any attention to anyone else, then we wouldn’t give a flying fig about how or what we said to get our children to STOP misbehaving. 

Thanks for listening (or reading if you must be technical),



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